veg4enawhat

When I was growing up we had pretty strict rules regarding table etiquette at dinner time. I don't remember going out to eat much. Stir fry was done at home in my mom's old red wok, pizza was made from scratch and without fail turned out to be a lopsided rectangle. Pancakes were made from scratch and cooked on a tabletop griddle.

No matter the menu, the rules were always the same. Elbows off the table, appropriate subject matter, speak minimally, the less audible the conversation the better. As an only child I didn't have much to occupy myself during the meal. When my parents conversations about IBM and volunteering at the library made me want to scream or talk about Duran Duran's latest album I stared at the bird feeder outside the window.

Once in awhile my parents would pause their conversation to remark on the type of bird.

"Today I wore a tie to work for the 12,000 day in a row and- Oh! Look! A chickadee!"

As the weather got colder I'd sit in front of a bowl of homemade split pea soup the color of my mom's kitchen cabinets and wait for a certain bird to arrive. It was the highlight of 52 weeks of mature dinner conversation.

"Tonight on my way to the library I stopped at- Oh! A tufted titmouse!"

Such inappropriate commentary! God, I loved that bird and the 10 seconds of giggling it allowed me.

Now I'm a parent and I find myself getting uptight at the dinner table if the kids start acting, well, not acting up per se, but acting like they have a pulse.

Mistah Checka's mom was a single mother and she raised 4 intelligent children who were left to their own devices from time to time.

He thinks nothing of breaking out into song at home when we're eating Mexican food.

"Beans, beans they're good for your heart! The more you eat the more you fart! The more you fart the better you -"

"STOP IT RIGHT NOW!" I say in my best impersonation of my mother circa 1982.

Mistah Checka had to look up the words to Rock A Bye Baby on the web after our first child was born, but I bet he can recite tons of off color psuedo rhymes from memory.

Today we ventured downtown to mill around with 200,000 other aimless shoppers. Uninspired by the beer tent, the fried chicken tent and the pulled pork tent, we ducked into a bar to get lunch. We chose that bar because they make good sandwiches and they have a giant fishtank.

Grabbing a prime piece of dining real estate, we plopped down in the booth in front of the tank. The kids were entertained by the various salt water fish and Mistah Checka and I were able to stare at the menu.

We ordered one peanut butter sandwich on wheat, one grilled muenster cheese on wheat, one grilled provolone and tomato on rye and one turkey and avocado on rye. Side order of sweet potato fries all around.

Ten minutes go by.

Twenty minutes go by.

Thirty minutes go by.

Still no lunch. The place was slammed or else I would've complained. Instead, I kept myself busy making sure the kids were behaving.

"Look at the angelfish! Wow, that fish sure swims fast!"

At the table behind us a toddler was screaming and his parents were alternating turns of putting their hands over his mouth as they continued to eat.

A lady at the table next to us commented on how well behaved our kids were and asked them "Do you always get along so well?"

They both nodded yes and I was proud and knew my mother would be proud.

As the lady was smiling at us, Mistah Checka sat upright and pointed at the tank and exclaimed,

"Hey, that's a HUGE ENEMA!"

As I sucked in air and the surrounding tables got quiet, he glanced at me and looked scared.

"What did I just say?" he asked

"Enema!" I whispered.

"What was I supposed to say?"

"Anemone" I answered and hid my face in my napkin.

What would my mother say?

Comments

[Valerie]

"Beans, beans they're good for your heart! The more you eat the more you fart! The more you fart the better you -"

feel, so eat them beans at every meal. :)

Here's another:

Jingle bells, jingle bells, Santa Claus is dead. Someone took a 45 and shot him in the head.

[veg4me]

gee, someone had siblings, didn't ya Valerie?

[Valerie]

Lots of siblings :)