I've got a new catchphrase.
See, we moved to North Carolina from Tucson, Arizona last week. Oddly enough, more people spoke an English dialect that I understood when I lived an hour from Mexico vs. living here.
Yesterday my husband and I stood in front of Lowe's admiring a grill. A husband and wife approached us and our stomachs sank with the fear that yet another stranger was going to invite us to attend their church.
Hey, people of North Carolina! I can't make it through a traffic light without passing a church! If I needed a church and couldn't find one, well shit, that would be two things I need. A church and glasses. Beat someone else with your bible.
So this couple surrounded us and started speaking in tongues. Not about church, but about grills.
My husband and I stood there transfixed. By the look on his face I could tell my husband (who is deaf in one ear to begin with) wasn't understanding a word. As his loving wife I did what I could to assist him, which was run to the end of the grill display and pretend to make a call to no one on my dead cell phone.
The wife navigated her way through the grills, rapidly approaching me. She smiled and said something that sounded like "We eat every meal out!", so I replied "We eat every meal at home!". Which is a blatant lie but I wanted to sever any potential bond she was trying to form.
As I walked back to my husband I heard the man drawl out a series of words that only Forrest Gump himself could've understood. We smiled at him, he stared back at us. Finally they shrugged and walked off.
"What the sam hell were they saying?!" I demanded.
"Hell if I know!"
With a wry smile I asked my husband, "Did you hear what I heard?"
"Picnic ham!" we shouted simultaneously.
All we could decipher out of all those words that crossed his teeth was "two hour picnic ham", except he spoke it like his tongue was stuck to the roof of his mouth and his mouth was full of tobacco. "Pick-nick-am".
We never will be sure what the purpose was of them confronting us during our buying decision. We thought maybe they were trying to steer us away from purchasing that particular grill (Pick Nickam!) or maybe they were just inviting us over for lunch ( a picnic?) or maybe they were telling us to chose Nick as our salesman (Pick Nick!)
Any way you toss the dice, there's a married couple walking around this town thinking they just saw the two dumbest people in the world at Lowe's. Its either us or them.