veg4me

veg4schooldays

Backpacks were bought during "End of Season" clearance last year. Clothes were purchased off the summer clearance rack while on vacation in New York this summer. Lunch boxes were grabbed at Marshall's two months ago because they were three dollars each.

Yet, today when I was double checking the supply of juice boxes in the pantry and confirming that we did in fact have a years supply of napkins, it really hit me.

I like to bargain shop.

No.

What I realized was- the kids go back to school tomorrow. My kids.

I've known it was coming. I've prepared for this moment. I've stockpiled enough glue sticks and pencils to see them through 8th grade, but now that they are both asleep on First Day of School Eve, I want to flip the calendar back to July.

In July my oldest wasn't about to enter 3rd grade and my youngest wasn't about to begin Kindergarten. Kindergarten! She's only 4! Give me back July. NOW.

As we drove to the beach early this morning I thought back on all the fun things we did this summer. We drove across country. We visited family. We saw old friends. We moved into a new house- with a trampoline! We stayed in our pajamas til dinnertime- more than once! We toured a battleship and got an aquarium membership. We rented kayaks. We visited the beach at least twice a week.

It was the kind of summer that brings a smile to your face. The type of memories that make me thankful to be a stay at home mom. The kind of mom that loves to be at the beach early enough in the morning so that she can say "Tomorrow at this time you'll be in school, but right now- you're at the beach and no one else is here!"

Let's face it. School is boring. Mommy is fun! At school you have to ask to use the bathroom. At the beach, you just squat! At school they have monitors on the playground to supervise your free time. At the beach the lifeguards aren't even on duty yet because it's so early! In fact, we're the only people in the ocean as far as I can see in either direction! Splash around! Be noisy! Flail around!

GET THE HELL OUT OF THE WATER THERE IS A SHARK BEHIND YOU.

I know that tomorrow when their new teachers ask them what they did this summer, they will forget all the educational enrichment, the family bonding time, the meals we've eaten together and the lackadaisical bedtimes.

"Our mom made us go to the beach early in the morning and she made us swim in the ocean when there were no lifeguards and a 5 foot shark came out of the water right next to us. We almost died because Mommy likes to get there before anyone steals the good seashells"

veg4inspection

My father farts. A lot.

At home and in public places.

He's polite about it.

He says "Excuse me" beforehand. Which makes it worse because once he mutters those words you pause, look at him and start to ask "Excuse you for what?" but sometime before the "what" part of that sentence crosses your lips your ears are assaulted with the noise of his gas.

"Da-ad! Why don't you just fart like a normal person and act like it didn't happen or blame it on someone or something else?"

"Okay, excuse me that guy over there just stepped on a duck"

Dad you just stepped on fowl a lot bigger than that. Or should I say foul.

When I got married to my husband I was amazed to hear the sound of him peeing so audibly each morning. I don't ever remember hearing the sound of my father peeing as a child. Did my mom make him sit down to pee so that he wouldn't be offensive? The three of us lived in a 900 sq ft home with only one bathroom. Why didn't I ever hear him pee?

I did hear him fart however.

I haven't lived with my parents in almost 20 years but if I am out in public and I smell a fart, I immediately look around for my dad, who lives 3,000 miles away. His timing was impeccably bad. He could be outside doing yard work for hours on end, only to walk into our tiny house as we were sitting down to dinner, mutter "Excuse me" and let loose a "ffffttttthhhh" as we scurried out of the way.

It infuriates my mother almost as much as a Sunday paper without the coupon inserts.

Yesterday afternoon two realtors, a home inspector, the couple that is buying our home, plus their two children and grandma came into our home. I made sure my children had on nice clothes, their hair was brushed and I instructed them "These people are buying our home. They are coming to inspect it today. Please be good"

Everyone filtered into the kitchen and was making polite small talk. I heard a deafening "FFFFTTTTTHHHHHH" sound and the room went silent. I looked out into the hall and expected to see my Dad there.

Instead I found a four year old girl who decided that a home inspection was a fine time to unleash the wonder of the Whoopee Cushion.

I excused myself, asked Cakes to put away her toy and grabbed the cordless phone to call my father.

You could hear him laughing and farting.

veg4fairy

As a parent there is nothing worse than the sound of Nooooooooooo jumping to the forefront of your brain when your kids are both sound asleep in bed, you are cuddled up on the couch watching The Goblet of Fire and one of the kids stumbles down the hallway clutching something.

"Look! I lost a tooth!"

Crap, not tonight. I just gave my last 9 dollars to the library today for overdue fines. We had reserved 6 movies at the library and could not check them out until the fines were paid.

I stared at Noodle trying to muster up some enthusiasm, all the while my brain was frantically trying to figure out how I could make 5 bucks appear...damn that Harry Potter, he makes it look so easy.

After tucking him back into bed and ensuring he was asleep, I scrounged around the house for quarters. Lots of them.

With my hands full of noisy change, I tiptoed into his room. It was going to be difficult, but if I could just quickly slide my hand under his pillow and drop the pound of quarters while I snatched the tooth!

I stepped into the dark room and started to feel for the tooth. I felt something weird, like a bigger body part. Like a nose.

I jumped back and turned on the light. His face is planted squarely on top of the tooth.

Now I am sitting in the kitchen with 20 quarters, fearing that tonight is the night an 8 year old kid figures out that the tooth fairy is his 6 foot tall mother.

There is no way I can get all that money under his pillow without him noticing.

Maybe I'll slip him a library movie instead.

veg4trash

Does anyone know any multi-tasking men?

Do they even exist?

My husband can fix/build/understand just about anything. He just can't do anything else at the same time he is fixing/building/understanding.

Fixing a broken shower door? Not a prob.

Just don't ask him how long it will be until you can actually take a shower, because he cannot process questions while calculating the exact angle a door needs to be hung.

Build a bed from a few planks of wood for our son in a single afternoon in our family room? Of course he can.

Ask him to put the laundry into the dryer as he is passing by the laundry room on his way to the family room to build the bed? Ain't gonna happen.

So, I guess that explains what happened when he was on his way to work yesterday morning.

He came in the kitchen (where I seem to live in a constant state of dishwashing) to say "Goodbye". I handed him the bulging bag of trash and asked if he could dump it in the trash can (located mere steps from his 4Runner in the garage). He took the bag and walked down the hall.

Here's what I found when I came out of the kitchen a half hour later.

Guess who stopped at the bathroom on his way to the garage?

veg4stockings

A sure sign that Christmas Eve and all the excitement it brings is upon us.

Spontaneous happy dancing and goofy face making as the stockings get nailed into the stucco.

Merry Christmas from the veg4fam.

veg4carride

While the veg4fam was driving this morning, Mistah Checka and I overheard this conversation that was taking place in the backseat of the 4Runner.

"Did you just hear that lady on the radio? She said fork in the A-S-S!"

"No she didn't, she said Fart Gas. Fart gas coming up she said"

This is what happens when your 7 and 4 year old hear an announcement about the upcoming weather report, or forecast, on the radio.

veg4cards

It starts out innocently enough with them insisting this will be the best shot for the Christmas card this year.

Which would be true if I only had one child who had an extra set of hands growing out of her shoulders and a third ear.

From there on out they executed various poses ranging from hand holding attempts...

To silly noise making and the chuckles that followed...

To a brief pause in the insanity to catch their breath (guess who adores her brother?!)....

To an overwhelming urge to give bear hugs to unsuspecting necks...

To hurt necks and hurt feelings of a seven year old and a booger eating four year old (this really should of been our card, since it so clearly illustrates the veg4children)...

Ending with lots of whining and arguing betwixt and between the two. So much so, that the dog got annoyed and ran in to restore order where only chaos reigned moments earlier...

Don't be surprised if you get my Christmas card and it's just a picture of the poinsettia.

veg4playdough

I thought it would be fun to prepare some homemade Kool Aid playdough with the kids this afternoon. A nice wholesome activity, devoid of video games and cartoon characters.

After we finished mixing the ingredients, I set them up at the craft table in the living room. Tons of cookie cutters and two heaping mounds of cherry and grape flavored dough.

And then I smiled and said "Use your imagination!"

I came back in the kitchen to clean up and heard 4 year old Cakes yelling for me "Mom, look I made a snake and he has a hard on!"

I slowly walked back into the living room and stood behind her as she was giggling.

There was a foot long purple snake. He had two eyes and a tongue.

And a big, cherry red cookie cutter heart on his middle.

Heart on.

veg4pimple

Nobody likes pimples.

My mother in law had a pimple on her lip last time she saw my kids. She complained about it and my daughter's eyes got very wide.

"Grandma, you've got to be verrrry careful. Pimples are so dangerous"

"Well, they are very annoying that's for sure" replied my mother in law.

"No, Grandma. It is very serious. A pimple can pull on your arms. A pimple once made a boys ears fall off! "

My mother in law stood there, looking down at my three year old, trying to figure out what to say.

"Honey, was this a dream?"

"NO GRANDMA! I heard it on the news, a pimple attacked a boy. You've got to be verrrry careful, Grandma"

At this point we were all standing around, scratching our heads.

And then it dawned on us.

Pitbull.

veg4drive

Overheard at a family function today.

"Do you know what he said his best trait was?"

"Umm..trait?"

"Yeah, trait"

"Ummm..."

"It means like characteristic"

"Oh yeah! Umm, his sense of humor?"

"No! He said "Drive"!"

"Oh yeah! Umm, like what does that mean?"

"I dunno, I think he means like, you know, in golf! "